I want children.  Every so often I become powerfully consumed with the thought that I am not living the right life.  That the life that was actually meant for me is out there somewhere, and I missed it.  I’m supposed to be married – to a guy – with 2-3 kids and a nice house and a better job.  I am not supposed to be gay.  I want a child so badly.  Sometimes when I see little tikes my eyes fill up with tears and I think, “how come I don’t have my baby”.  It feels like their really is a parallel life for me somewhere in which I have a child… and I lost it.  It’s like I’m grieving a hypothetical – something that doesn’t even exist.  I think about adopting, and think maybe I’d like to someday.  But I do want the experience of a pregnancy.  It is an experience that so many women have.  I will feel left out of my humanity if I don’t get to experience.  I always thought I was ‘supposed’ to, I always thought I would.  I think I’d make a good mom.  Mother’s day is coming up.  It is upsetting now because I feel like I should be one.  At the very least I hope I meet someone someday.  My belief that I will find a life partner is still slim to none.  I feel like I’m on the verge of shutting myself again down from even allowing myself to dream anymore.  Dreams only end in heart-ache, which gets stronger and stronger the longer the dream goes without being fulfilled.

Maybe I should look into working at a nursery school.  Or at least volunteering with children somehow.  Maybe that would help.