June 2012

 I want a child.  Every fiber of my body is aching for a baby.  I have seen so many pictures recently of friends and friends of friends holding their newborns to their chests.  Of happy new relatives waiting to welcome a new little one to their families.  I am not sure I have ever desired something this deeply before.  Certainly I have never had a desire this strong that was this out of reach, or at least, this large a question mark.

You see, since I’m a single, gay woman, 90% of this is up in the air.  Somehow, deep in my heart resides a strong feeling that the child should have a close male and female in it’s upbringing.  The ideal situation I have dreamed up, would be to marry a woman, and we two would be best friends with a male couple.  Maybe we could even share a house, or at least be neighbors.  Then the four of us could create and raise a couple of kids together.  This way, the youngsters although they had gay parents, would have male and female ‘parents’ in their everyday lives.

Just to fill out what goes on in my mind.  Yes, adoption is an option, and somehow I believe that in such a case, the man/woman setup isn’t as necessary.  These youngsters have a need to be loved and cared and provided for.  If I were to birth a child myself, I just don’t feel like it would be fair to bring it into the world fully knowing it would have extra struggles ahead.  With an adoption, the children would already be here, and we would be helping them along in life, and they, us.  This imaginary, dreamed up, us, of course…

To round out and reiterate, my deepest desire is to have a child of my own.  To experience pregnancy, pass on my genes, experience one of the major stages of womanhood and feel that bond and love that belongs between a parent and child.  ::sigh::

I have been feeling oddly connected to the universe today.  I have been wanting to announce every last bit of my own individual eccentricities to the world.  I want a deep connection to other people so badly.  There is some level to humanity that none of us can enter and stay in.  Some people never even catch a glimpse.  Some are lucky(?) enough to spend most of their time there.  I’m closer now than I usually am.

I am a woman.  I’m also a lesbian.  Will you still respect me?


The church which I grew up in, recently held a congregational vote.   The decision was whether to move forward with a process called “Discerning the Way”.  This process involves church staff and members meeting with some intermediaries from outside the church to offer where they stand and state their case for how the ‘ideals’ of the Presbyterian Church (USA) and specifically the Presbytery of Southern New England no longer align with the ideals of their church community.  Although ‘entering the process’ does not guarantee such, the intent is to request dismissal from the denomination.  There is a lot of history and reasoning behind this.  The foundation of their reasoning however, is that the PCUSA is moving away from “scriptural authority” (i.e. – literal interpretation).  The biggest problem with this they state is that since the Bible is open to interpretation, many in the denomination now believe that other religions may be just as valid.  So then what of, John 14:6 – “Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”?

What really got this whole schism within the PCUSA started?  The change in their ‘constitution’, which allows congregations to no longer interpret literally, also allows ordination of LGBTQ people.  The PCUSA congregations who do not believe in equality are doing their best now to separate the LGBTQ ordination/inclusion/equality issue from that of ‘scriptural authority’.  They want to hide it and have trouble stating their own truth.  The truth is, they can’t separate the two, they’re intricately linked.  The congregational vote was taken at my family’s church — twice as many folks voted to enter the process (and seek dismissal and the right to deny people a place of leadership in their church based on sexual orientation and gender identity), as voted against it.