I want children. Every so often I become powerfully consumed with the thought that I am not living the right life. That the life that was actually meant for me is out there somewhere, and I missed it. I’m supposed to be married – to a guy – with 2-3 kids and a nice house and a better job. I am not supposed to be gay. I want a child so badly. Sometimes when I see little tikes my eyes fill up with tears and I think, “how come I don’t have my baby”. It feels like their really is a parallel life for me somewhere in which I have a child… and I lost it. It’s like I’m grieving a hypothetical – something that doesn’t even exist. I think about adopting, and think maybe I’d like to someday. But I do want the experience of a pregnancy. It is an experience that so many women have. I will feel left out of my humanity if I don’t get to experience. I always thought I was ‘supposed’ to, I always thought I would. I think I’d make a good mom. Mother’s day is coming up. It is upsetting now because I feel like I should be one. At the very least I hope I meet someone someday. My belief that I will find a life partner is still slim to none. I feel like I’m on the verge of shutting myself again down from even allowing myself to dream anymore. Dreams only end in heart-ache, which gets stronger and stronger the longer the dream goes without being fulfilled.
Maybe I should look into working at a nursery school. Or at least volunteering with children somehow. Maybe that would help.