May 2012

I am so out of luck with dating women.  Why, you may ask?  The old lesbian stereotype holds true quite frequently.    Would you like to go camping?   Hiking?  Rock Climbing?  Biking? I’m just not a particularly outdoorsy type.  My idea of outdoors stuff to do would be a walk around the common people watching.  Maybe a walk around a gardens somewhere picture taking.  Watching a baseball game.  Watching a sunset/rise. While I wouldn’t cross doing the above mentioned stereotypical outings entirely, they don’t occur to me to be getting-to-know-you kinds of adventures.  I guess what it comes down is that I do like to be outside, but I don’t like to get dirty, at least not before I get to know someone a little first.

Gazing out across the abyss of time.  The clouds go by.  We spin on through the emptiness of life.  The universe just an arms reach away.  Yet always out of sight.  Try as we may we cannot grasp what we cannot not see.  No matter how close or how distant.  Visions come and go.  But the vastness of our own humanity is but a blip on eternity’s radar.  Ocean waves roll and thunderclouds roar.  Here we stand unable to understand, along the shore.

I seem to be a very obligation bound individual.  I often wonder if others feel this way too.  It leads to a lot of stress and mental anguish over decision making.  I feel like I need to have life scheduled out ahead also, compounding the issue.  How do I break free of all of the above?  The closer I get to the date of conflicting obligations, the more clearly I can see which is more important to me.  But allowing the date to get that close before making the decision pains me so.  

I have learned through this most recent conflict, that without a doubt people are what is most important to me.  I feel it is important to meet and socialize with more gay folks- especially women.  It helps me to see myself as less alone, and as totally typical.  But my heart is with my church, the folks there (and choir in particular) are pretty much my second family.  They don’t have to be gay too to earn my love and respect, and the same vice versa I have discovered.  I belong there.  With them.  The specifics of who we are and where we have been don’t matter.  Only love, respect and acceptance matters.  Once you find them all together, you don’t let them go.




For many, if not most Christians, the Bible is more than ‘sacred document’.  It sort of is God in many circles.  The Bible itself has become an idol to many. Idols don’t just come in the form of golden calves, they can come in the form of a book.  They hold it up in the air, as if it itself is worthy of being bowed down to.  They say you can’t make-up your own interpretation, that it is God’s word and what he ‘said’ that is important.  Untrue. It is someone else’s interpretation of an interpretation of of a translation of what another experienced with God.  Therefore I can ‘make-up’ my own interpretation, because my other choice is to believe some other person’s interpretation.  And they are human, like myself. Someday I may even write my own.  Ha.

Trying to get myself to believe that the experiences of those I know – and even of myself – are possibly as important as the experiences recorded in biblical stories – is down-right nearly impossible.

I want children.  Every so often I become powerfully consumed with the thought that I am not living the right life.  That the life that was actually meant for me is out there somewhere, and I missed it.  I’m supposed to be married – to a guy – with 2-3 kids and a nice house and a better job.  I am not supposed to be gay.  I want a child so badly.  Sometimes when I see little tikes my eyes fill up with tears and I think, “how come I don’t have my baby”.  It feels like their really is a parallel life for me somewhere in which I have a child… and I lost it.  It’s like I’m grieving a hypothetical – something that doesn’t even exist.  I think about adopting, and think maybe I’d like to someday.  But I do want the experience of a pregnancy.  It is an experience that so many women have.  I will feel left out of my humanity if I don’t get to experience.  I always thought I was ‘supposed’ to, I always thought I would.  I think I’d make a good mom.  Mother’s day is coming up.  It is upsetting now because I feel like I should be one.  At the very least I hope I meet someone someday.  My belief that I will find a life partner is still slim to none.  I feel like I’m on the verge of shutting myself again down from even allowing myself to dream anymore.  Dreams only end in heart-ache, which gets stronger and stronger the longer the dream goes without being fulfilled.

Maybe I should look into working at a nursery school.  Or at least volunteering with children somehow.  Maybe that would help.