I want a child.  Every fiber of my body is aching for a baby.  I have seen so many pictures recently of friends and friends of friends holding their newborns to their chests.  Of happy new relatives waiting to welcome a new little one to their families.  I am not sure I have ever desired something this deeply before.  Certainly I have never had a desire this strong that was this out of reach, or at least, this large a question mark.

You see, since I’m a single, gay woman, 90% of this is up in the air.  Somehow, deep in my heart resides a strong feeling that the child should have a close male and female in it’s upbringing.  The ideal situation I have dreamed up, would be to marry a woman, and we two would be best friends with a male couple.  Maybe we could even share a house, or at least be neighbors.  Then the four of us could create and raise a couple of kids together.  This way, the youngsters although they had gay parents, would have male and female ‘parents’ in their everyday lives.

Just to fill out what goes on in my mind.  Yes, adoption is an option, and somehow I believe that in such a case, the man/woman setup isn’t as necessary.  These youngsters have a need to be loved and cared and provided for.  If I were to birth a child myself, I just don’t feel like it would be fair to bring it into the world fully knowing it would have extra struggles ahead.  With an adoption, the children would already be here, and we would be helping them along in life, and they, us.  This imaginary, dreamed up, us, of course…

To round out and reiterate, my deepest desire is to have a child of my own.  To experience pregnancy, pass on my genes, experience one of the major stages of womanhood and feel that bond and love that belongs between a parent and child.  ::sigh::

I have been feeling oddly connected to the universe today.  I have been wanting to announce every last bit of my own individual eccentricities to the world.  I want a deep connection to other people so badly.  There is some level to humanity that none of us can enter and stay in.  Some people never even catch a glimpse.  Some are lucky(?) enough to spend most of their time there.  I’m closer now than I usually am.

I am a woman.  I’m also a lesbian.  Will you still respect me?


The church which I grew up in, recently held a congregational vote.   The decision was whether to move forward with a process called “Discerning the Way”.  This process involves church staff and members meeting with some intermediaries from outside the church to offer where they stand and state their case for how the ‘ideals’ of the Presbyterian Church (USA) and specifically the Presbytery of Southern New England no longer align with the ideals of their church community.  Although ‘entering the process’ does not guarantee such, the intent is to request dismissal from the denomination.  There is a lot of history and reasoning behind this.  The foundation of their reasoning however, is that the PCUSA is moving away from “scriptural authority” (i.e. – literal interpretation).  The biggest problem with this they state is that since the Bible is open to interpretation, many in the denomination now believe that other religions may be just as valid.  So then what of, John 14:6 – “Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”?

What really got this whole schism within the PCUSA started?  The change in their ‘constitution’, which allows congregations to no longer interpret literally, also allows ordination of LGBTQ people.  The PCUSA congregations who do not believe in equality are doing their best now to separate the LGBTQ ordination/inclusion/equality issue from that of ‘scriptural authority’.  They want to hide it and have trouble stating their own truth.  The truth is, they can’t separate the two, they’re intricately linked.  The congregational vote was taken at my family’s church — twice as many folks voted to enter the process (and seek dismissal and the right to deny people a place of leadership in their church based on sexual orientation and gender identity), as voted against it.


I am so out of luck with dating women.  Why, you may ask?  The old lesbian stereotype holds true quite frequently.    Would you like to go camping?   Hiking?  Rock Climbing?  Biking? I’m just not a particularly outdoorsy type.  My idea of outdoors stuff to do would be a walk around the common people watching.  Maybe a walk around a gardens somewhere picture taking.  Watching a baseball game.  Watching a sunset/rise. While I wouldn’t cross doing the above mentioned stereotypical outings entirely, they don’t occur to me to be getting-to-know-you kinds of adventures.  I guess what it comes down is that I do like to be outside, but I don’t like to get dirty, at least not before I get to know someone a little first.

Gazing out across the abyss of time.  The clouds go by.  We spin on through the emptiness of life.  The universe just an arms reach away.  Yet always out of sight.  Try as we may we cannot grasp what we cannot not see.  No matter how close or how distant.  Visions come and go.  But the vastness of our own humanity is but a blip on eternity’s radar.  Ocean waves roll and thunderclouds roar.  Here we stand unable to understand, along the shore.

I seem to be a very obligation bound individual.  I often wonder if others feel this way too.  It leads to a lot of stress and mental anguish over decision making.  I feel like I need to have life scheduled out ahead also, compounding the issue.  How do I break free of all of the above?  The closer I get to the date of conflicting obligations, the more clearly I can see which is more important to me.  But allowing the date to get that close before making the decision pains me so.  

I have learned through this most recent conflict, that without a doubt people are what is most important to me.  I feel it is important to meet and socialize with more gay folks- especially women.  It helps me to see myself as less alone, and as totally typical.  But my heart is with my church, the folks there (and choir in particular) are pretty much my second family.  They don’t have to be gay too to earn my love and respect, and the same vice versa I have discovered.  I belong there.  With them.  The specifics of who we are and where we have been don’t matter.  Only love, respect and acceptance matters.  Once you find them all together, you don’t let them go.




For many, if not most Christians, the Bible is more than ‘sacred document’.  It sort of is God in many circles.  The Bible itself has become an idol to many. Idols don’t just come in the form of golden calves, they can come in the form of a book.  They hold it up in the air, as if it itself is worthy of being bowed down to.  They say you can’t make-up your own interpretation, that it is God’s word and what he ‘said’ that is important.  Untrue. It is someone else’s interpretation of an interpretation of of a translation of what another experienced with God.  Therefore I can ‘make-up’ my own interpretation, because my other choice is to believe some other person’s interpretation.  And they are human, like myself. Someday I may even write my own.  Ha.

Trying to get myself to believe that the experiences of those I know – and even of myself – are possibly as important as the experiences recorded in biblical stories – is down-right nearly impossible.

I want children.  Every so often I become powerfully consumed with the thought that I am not living the right life.  That the life that was actually meant for me is out there somewhere, and I missed it.  I’m supposed to be married – to a guy – with 2-3 kids and a nice house and a better job.  I am not supposed to be gay.  I want a child so badly.  Sometimes when I see little tikes my eyes fill up with tears and I think, “how come I don’t have my baby”.  It feels like their really is a parallel life for me somewhere in which I have a child… and I lost it.  It’s like I’m grieving a hypothetical – something that doesn’t even exist.  I think about adopting, and think maybe I’d like to someday.  But I do want the experience of a pregnancy.  It is an experience that so many women have.  I will feel left out of my humanity if I don’t get to experience.  I always thought I was ‘supposed’ to, I always thought I would.  I think I’d make a good mom.  Mother’s day is coming up.  It is upsetting now because I feel like I should be one.  At the very least I hope I meet someone someday.  My belief that I will find a life partner is still slim to none.  I feel like I’m on the verge of shutting myself again down from even allowing myself to dream anymore.  Dreams only end in heart-ache, which gets stronger and stronger the longer the dream goes without being fulfilled.

Maybe I should look into working at a nursery school.  Or at least volunteering with children somehow.  Maybe that would help.